Constant? Painful? Exciting? Poignant? All of the above? And more?
Tonight is my last night in the Cottage. I am leaving my little woodland Sleeping Beauty haven, with its eagles, deer, bunnies, owls, foxes, and coyotes. Where there is no path to my door, and the only sound I hear at night is the wind.
It has been a time of change here, and where I go tomorrow is not what I expected to happen to me. But it is what I’ve made out of what’s happened to me. The Bungalow is in pretty good shape for move-in, and it’s mine. Mine. Yes, I have more street sounds, and yes, I park in an alley right now, but the house has a sense of coziness, comfort and love in it. It has a sense of – most appropriately – starting over. The house itself is starting over and so am I – we’re doing it together.
I was so heartbroken in so many ways when I moved into the Cottage – and I admit I’m heartbroken now that I’m moving out. Heartbroken in a way I could not possibly have imagined when I moved in here, into what was to be a temporary arrangement. Well, temporary it was. Indeed.
Packing up, I found empty travelling bottles of Patron, each marked with a date, and most with a few words. “Confusion”. “Old soul, new house.” Things like that. An old rum bottle from last year’s birthday, where we laughed and loved and discovered the truths behind the universe – that was the best birthday I’d had in years. It’s hard to know what to do with those things kept for their significance when life is now so different. It feels pointless to keep them, but impossible to part with them. I will keep them, because I still have hope.
So, there is still packing to do. I get the truck in the morning, and a couple of guys will come to move the heavy things out and in. In the Bungalow, there will be much unpacking, still a bit of painting, trying to figure out how to connect anything electronic, scrubbing, planting. There are still a few things that need replacing, but I’m so broke now, they’re going to have to wait.
Whatever happens in other areas of my life, in this one, it’s time to start over. I guess Spring is a good time to do that.