You are currently browsing the daily archive for February 12, 2011.
(with apologies to the Beatles)
A bloggy friend asked me this morning how I was doing…HONESTLY. And I honestly said, “I’m doing better.” And then this afternoon, I fell apart again. bleah.
I get so very sick of the ups and downs of myself, even though I know that’s normal for everyone. Especially normal for me, given hormones and coming down with Kelsea’s sore throat, etc. (Have to get that out of the way before I start work.)
I have a new therapist whom I’ve been seeing for three weeks. It’s been about a year and a half since I last saw a therapist, and I was really NOT wanting to go, but I couldn’t seem to pull myself out of the depression and knew I needed something more than tears and serotonin. She really has been a godsend. Tough on me about facing reality, which is something I don’t always want to do. I’ve found that I tend to hold onto my dreams, and while I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, sometimes you just have to let some of them go and evolve on their own without you. That’s a painful process with me this time. Very painful.
But as I said, she’s helping me teach myself how to rethink things, how to look at the real world without flinching and realize that I am fine – or that I can be fine. We’ve been using EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), which involves retraining your brain to think differently about past experiences that caused you pain. It’s complicated, and I don’t quite understand it myself, but it does feel like it’s making a difference. Even on days like today, when I get on a crying jag, if I put on my iPod and listen to my bilateral sound recordings of thunderstorms, the ocean, and mountain streams that she gave me, I tend to get through the “episode” a little quicker and feeling a little less traumatized than usual.
God, I hate being this weak. It pisses me off. But it is what it is. And it keeps, slowly but surely, getting better.