Quick Philosophizing on Why People Try to Change Their Mates

Today is Fire Pup Day and Homemade Cookies Day.  Just FYI, homemade cookies ain’t gonna be happening in this home.

In talking with a friend last night, the point arose that women fall in love and then try to change the men they fall in love with – a phenomenon that is especially evident after marriage.  I had to ask myself if I was guilty of that in my marriage.  And the answer is…..not right away.  I didn’t expect or try to instigate any changes for years – not until I myself changed (read that, grew up) and then I automatically expected Pat to change.  Wrong-o.  It doesn’t happen like that.

But why is this need to change someone such a constant in relationships?   A quick google search on this topic reveals lots of opinions, blog postings, and Yahoo! Answers, but no solid psychological research.  Maybe I didn’t look deeply enough.

Men do also do this to women, but it’s definitely to a lesser extent.  Is it something about exerting control over one’s partner?  Or a subconscious discomfort with sharing or shifting power?

We always put our best foot forward in the early stages of a relationship – the house is cleaner, there’s less farting, and generally more effort expended towards impressing the potential mate.  And once the mate has been won, we seem to put less effort into the relationship and more effort into keeping ourselves out of trouble with that mate.  Again, why?  Is it some kind of primal thing?  We can’t get any first-hand reports from Cro-Magnon man (or woman), and I doubt cave drawings do an effective job of documenting this issue, so we can never know.

Why are we harder on our partners than we are on our friends?  We treat our friends so much better than our partners, and yet one’s partner should be one’s BEST friend. 

And where did that expression ‘Familiarity breeds contempt’ come from?

Perhaps a better question is, if you recognize this phenomenon in yourself, can you resist giving in to it?  Or does it just happen, regardless of your intentions?

I think I need some grant money to study this.