Contemplations: Privacy, Slander and Loneliness

First, let me say that few things cheer me up as much as Fred Astaire dancing on the ceiling in “Royal Wedding.”

Things are still in flux.  My main work’s fiscal year ended yesterday.  I survived the small round of layoffs.  My boss, who put me on the PIP a month ago, is no longer my boss.  And her boss is also gone.  As is our division president.  What does that mean for my job?  I have absolutely no idea, but I feel that a shoe has yet to drop.  And I’m okay with that.  As has been said, it buys us more time to craft our escape plan.

It is April, but still snowing, and I am still asking myself “Why am in Colorado, and why have I stayed here so long?”  My depression is much better when the weather is better.  As is, it settles over my spirit like the snow blankets the grounds outside the cottage windows.  Cold and endless.  Even if my dreams of warmth in the Caribbean grow a little closer every day.

I have been contemplating privacy, slander and loneliness this evening. 

 

Privacy: I have always been a private person – actually, rather shy, even though people don’t really believe that.  I am outgoing with strangers when I feel in control, but with people I know slightly, I often feel shy and awkward.  I have since I was a child.  I have always protected the privacy of my choices, my feelings, and my actions.  Blogging is an interesting cross between public and private.  And knowing that people who know me are reading this sometimes makes me more conscious of what I write.  But I don’t edit.  I am proud of who I am.  Not proud in a boastful, blatant, self-promoting way.  Proud in a quiet, hard-working, inner-glow way.  I know I’ve always been a little thin-skinned about criticism, which is no doubt part of the reason that I’ve been hesitant to pursue a future with writing and photography.  But with a partner, and with support, that’s improving, and I’m finding a new level of confidence in myself. 

That said, I still sometimes surprise myself with how easily I can be hurt, even by people whose opinions really don’t matter to me.  It seems to reawaken something deep inside me that I thought I had grown out of.  I guess some things we never really outgrow, even if we don’t know how they grew inside us in the first place.

 
Slander: 

“But he that filches from me my good name
Robs me of that which not enriches him
And makes me poor indeed. ”

William Shakespeare, “Othello”, Act 3 scene 3

I am a good person, with a good heart and a good soul.  I am a good mom.  I love well and wholeheartedly.  I have never deliberately set out to hurt anyone.  I am compassionate and empathetic.  I am not vengeful.  And even if I have ill feelings towards someone, I do not speak ill of them.  How does speaking ill of another profit me?  Does it make me feel better about myself?  No.  And I would NEVER make assumptions about who or what another person was, and voice my opinion of that person based on those assumptions.  THAT is slanderous.  Words have power, and power in ignorant hands can be harmful – and evil.

 

Loneliness:  I have spoken of loneliness before here.  It is new for me.  I have been accustomed to having Pat around all these years.  Now, I come home to an empty house, my own mess, my own cooking.  I do not miss Pat, but I miss the comfort of company.  It’s like that tonight, when it’s cold and I’m overtired.  It’s not always this way.  I certainly do love my time alone, and I LOVE my little cottage.  But I miss Russ when we can’t see each other.  And I miss Kelsea when she is with Pat.  Perhaps true love is what inspires loneliness.