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I have been working 2 or 3 jobs for the past 11 years. I have gone back and forth between being okay with it, and feeling like it’s killing me. Right now, I’m at two jobs…. and I’m over it.
I have been at my second job for 8 years. For a long time, it was a labor of love. But for the last year or so, I have been wanting to quit. It kept me going when I was unemployed, so I was glad I didn’t quit before I got laid off. It has been helpful in buying the house, and the extra income made little luxuries (like maybe plane tickets) possible. Last year, when I thought we were going to go away this year, I was so relieved to think that I wouldn’t have to do the job for another year. Well, as I’ve said before, life’s what happens when you’re making other plans.
These days, I feel like I’m just not doing a good job at this job. I let things slide. I got (another) lecture from my boss last night about it. And these days, even though we’re friends, I feel like sometimes he’s judgemental of me in ways that I don’t need or agree with.
Then I think that maybe I still need that extra income. The job has been really flexible from a time perspective, which another part-time job might not offer. But I almost dread going to work. I am so aware that I’m not doing a good job that it’s becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. I keep thinking I just need to be more disciplined, more organized, more dedicated, but nothing seems to work to motivate me.
I don’t know what to do. I would prefer to go out on a high note, like John Elway leaving the Broncos after two Super Bowl wins, but I think it’s too late for that. I don’t want to admit that I can’t do it – and I don’t think that’s the problem. It’s that I’m burned out and don’t want to do it anymore. I love my full-time job. The pay is decent. I’m motivated to go to work, so it’s not like I don’t want to work. The commute adds a lot of time and energy to my day, and if I didn’t have the second job hanging over my head, I would be okay with that.
The bottom line is, I don’t want to do the job anymore, but I am scared to let it go – afraid I’ll need the extra money – and I don’t want to admit defeat. I don’t want to admit that I can’t do it.
So what do I do, readers? When is it time to let go?
It’s almost spring, which is wonderful. Just to give you a quick update on where things stand (and remember it’s all about me today, so every sentence will start with “I”):
I am jumping through hoops for the house, and it’s still touch and go. If I close, I close on Friday. I haven’t said anything to my landlords yet, and will probably stay at the Cottage for a month longer as there is much to get done in the new house. Which, by the way, needs a name. Any ideas?
I continue to be frustrated by a temperamental hot water heater. I DO NOT LIKE COLD SHOWERS IN THE MORNING. Serious boo.
I still have not figured out how to juggle everything with this commute. The Cottage needs cleaning, the recycle needs dropping off, the oil needs changing, the bank needs visiting, the taxes need to get to the accountant, my body needs working out. I need some “me” time, other than on the bus, I need some Kelsea time, and I need some social life. Hopefully, I’ll get the hang of this stuff soon. Other people can do it – so can I!
I am thrilled that Spring is almost here.
I have this awful bruise on my arm that I have no idea how I got. Why does that happen?
I love my job. My brain is just so engaged all the time! And I’m really improving my editing skills.
I dislike the fact that my landlords are running the sprinklers all the time. It’s like walking through a downpour to get to the Cottage.
I am sad to report that my hot flashes are returning. It seems that stress = hot flashes.
I am going to go find the spot to watch the Supermoon rise tonight. I think I know just the place. If any pictures come out, I’ll share them.
Well, today was my first day at my new grown-up job in Denver. It was good – I think I’ll enjoy the job. I sense that it will really refine my writing skills and add to my abilities. The people are wonderful. It will be challenging. In short, it’s all exciting.
The weirdest thing is being alone in this. I have never before gotten a job, started a job, without having my parents around to share in that experience, to be my “boosters”. It’s been years and years since I’ve had a job and not had someone to come home to, or at least share my day with on the phone. It really emphasizes my sense of loneliness.
I couldn’t sleep last night – I was nervous, excited, my stomach was in turmoil, I was missing my parents. I had a weepy few hours, and wished there was someone I could call in the darkness when I couldn’t sleep. I miss that. I guess I was kind of hoping….well, it just would have been nice.
As I said, I had a really good day, but I was weepy again going home. Sigh. I know I am moving forward – no, upward. But I am still sad. And still hurt. And still kind of lonely.
Tomorrow, I’m going to take the bus! It may not sound exactly thrilling, but I’m excited – something else I’ve never done before.
I feel like I’m a little kid starting school again.
The Cottage is great.
The Cottage has the following components:
Little terrace outdoors
Just enough room for two – maybe even 2 1/2. But there is one problem.
The Cottage has NO closets. None. Zip. Zilch. Zero.
Oh, it has a space that holds the furnace, and next to that are a few hooks and 3 shelves. I guess a purist could call that a closet. It holds the toolbox, laundry soap, one unusable suitcase with which I cannot bear to part, the sewing basket, and a collapsible cooler. That’s it.
In other words, this would be the perfect house for a nudist (except for the large windows that look out onto the Christian Church across the Open Space). But it is a big problem for a woman and a teenage girl.
I mean, seriously. Who builds a house without closets??
I never considered myself a clothes horse. I’m certainly not on the scale of 90% of the women I know who have multiple closets for their own stuff. And I’ve been getting rid of things. A few things are still at Pat’s, but I could part with most of them. Those things I can’t part with will just have to stay there until I move. Because clothes space in the Cottage is out of control. The previous occupant left me a wardrobe, the top half of which can be used for hanging things, the bottom half of which has two shelves. The rod in the wardrobe is about 3 1/2 feet long. That’s it. That’s where clothes can be hung. And it’s packed. I did hang hooks on the backs of every available door to make a little more space, and those hooks are now overflowing due to my pajama menagerie and 1940s movie star lingerie fetish. So it’s making me look at my wardrobe a little differently these days.
I hadn’t really updated my work wardrobe for a couple of years, and when I left the last full-time job, I didn’t think I’d be getting another one. As we know, life’s what happens when you’re making other plans, and so I find myself very much hoping for another full-time job just now. Which leads me to feel the need for work clothes again – or at least interview clothes. Which I don’t have room for. Because I have NO closets.
I do have some nice clothes, but they’re casual and frankly, they’re designed for the Caribbean, not for Colorado. So changes will have to be made.
When the house comes through, I will have not only closets (4 of them!), but a garage, where I can put things like toolboxes and Christmas Tree stands. I swear I will feel like I’ve died and gone to heaven. There’s even an attic! I know this because the attic window is clearly visible. However, the entrance to said attic is invisible. It doesn’t seem to exist within the house – not in the ceilings of any of the rooms (or closets). I’ll have to leave that discovery to my inspection person when the time comes.
But that hasn’t happened yet. And neither has the need for a major wardrobe shift. No house yet, no job yet. I’m just waiting as patiently as possible, and planning ahead. I can feel that it’s all going to come together somehow soon. I’m on the precipice. On the verge.
In the meantime, the best thing to do, I’ve decided, is clean out the wardrobe. Some of those nice Caribbean things will need to go. Others may need to go into a trunk, which will go who knows where. Maybe into the office, once I rearrange it. (I’ve always wanted one of those old antique trunks.) And I’m sure I have a lot of pieces that aren’t exactly classic (read, completely out of date.)
So I guess as long as everything else is changing, my “look” (gag) might as well change too.
It’s really just a shame that I hate to shop.
I feel like I am at a fork in the road.
Yes, I’m having to regroup, to forge new dreams, or decide on pursuing my long-standing dreams on my own – or both. I need a few winter clothes – I had made a point of not buying any because I had in my head that I wouldn’t really be hanging around for much more cold weather. Well, looks like I’m here for another season, so might as well stay warm.
But I digress…
I would LOVE to make my own freelancing business work. I haven’t put any heart into it. Zip. Zilch. Zero. I’ve been writing a lot, and loving it, but I haven’t been doing business writing. Just working on the novel, and a chapbook. And those things are going to pay off. But for right now, I am wondering if I need to do something different – which translates into a real-life, full-time job.
I’m not adverse to the idea – not wholly. I am usually emotionally better the busier I am. And I’ve been pretty isolated since I left full-time work. I was just really hoping NOT to have to work for anyone again. So I guess I’m thinking out loud here, about the different tines on the fork that is in my way.
Tine #1: I can really set down to find freelance writing work. That means talking to everyone I know on LinkedIn, doing the whole Business After Hours networking with the Chamber of Commerce, and….cold calling, the thing I hate the most in the universe.
Tine #2: I can look for a grown-up job in my field. That has some advantages: benefits (especially health insurance, which is going to run out in August), consistent income, socialization. It could lead to me being able to buy a house. And it would give me some more writing experience, albeit of a different sort, since that’s what I would try to get – a job in the marketing/writing field. But wouldn’t I be giving up on my dream? Or would I just be postponing it?
Tine #3: I can find a second part-time job. Between two part-time jobs, I could have a semi-decent income. I could do something different, like be a barista, work in a bookstore, a gallery, or any one of the many things I’ve always wanted to try. Life would be juggling schedules, and wouldn’t give me much time to travel. But there would be variety. I like variety in my work.
Tine #4: I can start working on articles for publication and just (appropriately) flood the market to get some things published. I can start looking for an agent for my novel. This tine takes me most directly towards my future.
Tine #5: I can go back to school – more specifically, nursing school. I’ve always wanted to be a nurse. That would require taking out a student loan, and…studying. At least Kelsea and I could keep each other company while doing homework.
Tine #6: I could join the Peace Corps. Seriously! They do take people my age. And it’s the closest I can get to running off and joining the French Foreign Legion, like heartbroken romantics used to do in the last century. OK, they were men, but you get the picture. It would be a good thing for me, doing something socially conscious.
Tine #7 (yes, it’s a big fork): I can keep things as is, status quo. I can keep going like I am right now, with one part-time job, for another year. I can travel. I’d have to make some more decisions when my lease is up, about not having a place and just travelling all the time, finding a new place, or staying in this place.
I have a lot of options. As I said in my New Year’s post, I’m visualizing my future as it already exists. These choices are avenues to the same place; it’s just a matter of which will make me happiest and most comfortable. It may not be a matter of choosing one option, either. It may be a combination of all of them. And any of them will take some time to develop – it’s not as if I expect to walk out the door tomorrow and have to dodge job offers like I have to dodge birds attacking the Cottage.
This is the sort of thinking and writing I was hoping to do while I was at the Hot Springs last week, and it’s the only writing and thinking that I didn’t get around to, which means that I wasn’t meant to do it there and then. But I do need to get in motion. It will be fun, whatever it is.
But I do rather wish it was a spoon in the road. I have rather a penchant for spoons.