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Setting: The local WalMart (yes, I know, but the prices can be pretty good and not EVERYTHING is made in China – you just have to look closely.) Peanut butter aisle.
MKL does not like WalMart. He only goes to surreptitiously snap images for the People of WalMart site and hates going there without me because it is just….wrong.
Me: I think I need to get you some crunchy peanut butter. The beast within you has eaten all of mine.
MKL: OK. And I’ll pick up some smooth peanut butter for The Boy.
MKL takes my crunchy peanut butter in one hand and a jar of smooth peanut butter in the other hand.
With a sudden adeptness heretofore unknown in the annals of peanut butter history, the smooth Jif starts to slide from his hand, while the crunchy Jif takes a flying leap towards the cart. As the onlooker, I would say that both were fully self-propelled.
MKL yelps and clutches his leg.
The crunchy Jif has attacked him in the kneecap. While this should have just been a bounce, it wasn’t. This unprovoked assault resulted in a cut, a huge bruise, a swollen kneecap, and a staggering significant other. Being the helpful partner that I am, I just laughed hysterically at the idea of him being so severely wounded by a plastic jar of peanut butter. (I should say here that MKL is a strong dude with strong legs who, as a former weight trainer and fourteener climber, now routinely lifts cars just for the fun of it.)
He blames WalMart.
I am still laughing.
As a single working mom, the amount of time I get to spend with my daughter is limited to weekends, and even the weekends are often limited to a day and a night, if either of us wishes to have a social life, which we both do. That’s really tough because we love each other and have fun together and each helps the other make sense out of life. I know it’s the quality of time spent together more than the amount, but most of our time spent together is quality time – it just would be nice to have more of it.
So we had last night and today together. We were both kind of tired last night – she was a little quiet, so we just hung and watched Jersey Shore and Ghost Adventures. She stretched out on God’s Cat. I took a bath. As I say, a quiet night. Today, upon rising, we ate and then talked about life and compromises and how to live with difficult people and right/wrong conundrums and all sorts of things for an hour or more. I think we both felt like we got a lot of value from our talk. Each time we have one of those really good talks, we seem to understand one another better. So, no, this is NOT how to annoy your teenager. Or at least not how to annoy mine. We’re getting to that. Trust me.
Wanting to go out but not being sure what we wanted to do, we decided to hit Longmont and the flea markets. It’s a pretty good flea market town, and we like its Main Street. So off we headed. Our first stop was where we got God’s Cat, and we had been contemplating a second, but fortunately for my wallet, this flea market was closed on Sundays. Across the highway, however, in their old location, was another flea market, with a parking lot sale going on. Unfortunately, I did not realize the extent of the parking lot sale until I had actually placed my truck in the middle of the parking lot sale. At that point, I realized that there was no place to park because there was a sale in the parking lot (see how I’m not picking up on the parking lot sale concept) and I had two choices: run over people in their booths or squeeze between the cones indicating that I’m where I shouldn’t be. As Kelsea can tell you, I have extensive experience with putting my vehicle where it shouldn’t be. The people at Home Depot and at Camp Lejeune Marine Base can vouch for this as well. We made as graceful an exit as possible and parked far away, hoping not to be recognized when we approached on foot.
We love flea markets. We poked around to our heart’s content and found some things that were too expensive but too wonderful, such as PorkChop the metal boar:
An old freezer that had a buckle latch as opposed to an actual handle, and was in mint condition:
China cats were nestled in the corners of your grandmother’s couch, staring at you psychotically for all eternity:
We both agreed that we would have to leave the house and never return were this to arrive at our door:
I revelled in a totally inappropriate sock monkey:
Made all the more inappropriate by its tag:
As we exited, we encountered a life-sized nutcracker:
Kelsea looked askance at me when I said that you could fit a baby’s head in there.
We headed down to Main Street, and though most of the shops were closed on Sundays, because clearly any money spent on Sunday in Longmont should be going to the church, we did enjoy our window shopping experience. We were also greeted by two gentlemen occupying a bench, who asked us if they could buy a cigarette from us, and when we said no, asked us for money to buy cigarettes, leading us to wonder how they intended to pay us for cigarettes had we had them to sell.
I wanted to share some of the interesting signs and displays from Main Street with you:
A very clever window display for men’s clothing:
Longmont has lots of free and easily accessible public parking and numerous small public art installations:
We did find Barbed Wire Books to be open. It claims to be the largest used bookstore in Longmont, and one we hadn’t yet visited, so we went in. I picked up a couple of mysteries.
Kelsea told me she was hungry enough to eat me, so we made our final stop The Pumphouse. The burgers were good and they had misters (those things that spray mist, not men – and when I say “not men”, I don’t mean that they don’t spray men, they WILL spray men, but men is not what they spray – oh, never mind) above the patio diners that sprayed just enough to cool, but not enough to dampen. Kelsea shared with me her most recent app acquisition:
And so, we headed for home.
Now, you may be wondering about the “how to annoy my teenager” part of the day. Well, that comes into play when I share with you what we bought at the flea market.
We found her a new army jacket from either the WWII or Korea era – I can’t tell which, but it’s in excellent shape, was only $10, and was a medic’s coat, so she is totally thrilled with that. But sorry, no image.
We found a small $2 sign for the kitchen. It’s a reminder for me of a) how to cook, and b) how to live:
I discovered a 1960′s Ouija Board. Previously, I have refused to have a Ouija Board in the house – perhaps because my Mother was so strongly opposed to them – but when I saw this one, I knew that it was the perfect time for it to arrive in my life.
And last, but so totally not least, I found Him. I had been in the booth where He was before, and didn’t even see Him, but when I walked in again, He immediately caught my eye, and it was all over. I had to have Him.
And this is where I began to annoy my teenager. She found Him terrifying. Their initial meeting went something like this:
Me: Look! I found the coolest thing ever!
Her: GAH! What IS that?
Me: I don’t know. Isn’t it awesome?
Her: NO! You are NOT buying that.
Me: But He wants to come home with you. Here, hold Him.
Her: Get that thing away from me.
Clearly, they did not have immediate chemistry. So the rest of our afternoon played out along similar lines.
Me: He likes you. He’s looking at you.
Her: Well, make Him stop.
Me: Sorry, I can’t do that. He does what He pleases.
Her: Mom, you’re sick.
Her: I’m hungry. Let’s go get a burger.
Me: Okay. He likes burgers too. And He thinks you’re pretty.
Her: Mom, STOP IT.
Me: What? I’m just saying.
She offered to carry Him on her lap if she could keep the truck windows open, but I’m smarter than that.
He was apparently all the rage in the 1950s, with numerous other incarnations, and was highly collectible among housewives of the day. Can you imagine coming home after a hard day at the office and being confronted by multiple versions of Him? Kelsea would rather stick her head in a garbage disposal.
So I will keep Him until I sell Him on Ebay, or tire of annoying her, whichever comes first – and I think we know which one that will be.
I am so looking forward to the coming months with my daughter.
It’s rare that something other than a person – or perhaps the site http://damnyouautocorrect.com/ - makes me laugh out loud. (I must say that that website makes me laugh so hard sometimes that my stomach muscles hurt.) But this morning on the Bonnet Channel, which, if you haven’t already figured out, I watch early in the morning and late at night, there was a fairly complicated and boring movie from 1937 starring Rex Harrison and Vivian Leigh. I was idly watching and checking my email and suddenly, the whole movie…erupted.
In one particular scene, set in a Scottish manor house, Rex filled the entire house with dogs. Hundreds and hundreds of dogs of all shapes, sizes and breeds. They completely took over the house. And it was hysterical. This is the first time in ages that I can remember laughing out loud at a movie. It made my whole morning.
So if you ever have a chance, look up “Storm In A Teacup” and fast-forward to the dog scene. You won’t be disappointed.
I’m not ususally one to share links of things, but Kelsea and I spent a chunk of last night laughing ourselves to the point of near-incontinence at this site: http://damnyouautocorrect.com/. And we’ve all faced the challenges of the dreaded T9 while texting on our phones (which Kelsea only taught me how to use last July in Asheville, NC, while we were on the EAR). When your phone is spelling for you, it is not always a good thing – ah, the dangers of autocorrect.
So in the spirit of yesterday’s Post-A-Day inspirator, I give the site to you, my friends.
Scroll through, enjoy (some might be slightly raunchy in interpretation) and make sure you are wearing your Depends.
Again, we pause to contemplate the unexpected, yet questionable, wisdom – and humor – of the lowly bumper sticker. I offer this sampling for your amusement:
Life would be much easier if we came with easy chairs. Birth would not.
Age brings wisdom. Or age shows up alone. You never know.
Never knock on Death’s door. Ring the bell and run, he hates that.
Without ME, it’s just AWESO.
If going to church makes you a Christian, does going into a garage make you a car?
I found Jesus – he was behind the sofa all the time.
I poke badgers with spoons.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Can you think on your own or do you need the media to think for you?
Don’t get even – get odd.
Love is for the courageous.
Guns don’t kill people – gaping holes in vital organs do.
If you believe you can tell me what to think, I believe I can tell you where to go.
I’m an agnostic dyslexic insomniac who lies awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.
My idea of a White Christmas is a White Sand Beach.
Look! A Distraction!
Can’t sleep – clowns will eat me.
Life is too complicated in the morning.
Art is everywhere.
Never leap the chasm in two bounds.
People don’t change, they just reveal themselves.
Do you live by fear or by passion?
Remember who you wanted to be.
I am homesick for places I have never been.
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
In Case of Fire, Do Not Use Elevators. Use Water.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.
Don’t die wondering.
If it involves meatloaf and a plumber, don’t do it.
Never let your mother brush your hair when she’s mad at your father.
You can pick your nose and pick your friends, but you can’t wipe your friends on the couch.
If all else fails, stop using all else.
Don’t rub the lamp unless you’re ready for the genie.
Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
Believe those who seek the truth; doubt those who find it.
Do not taunt the happy fun ball.
Speak your mind even if your voice shakes.
Regret is a thief.
When you’re going through hell, don’t stop.
Those who discourage your dreams likely have abandoned their own.
Be willing to give up what you are for what you can become.
Squirrels: Nature’s Little Speed Bumps.
The dyslexic cow says “oom”.
I Mock You With My Monkey Pants
I’d tell you to go hell but I work there and don’t want to see you every day.
I am not a bitch. I am the bitch.
Watch out for the idiot behind me.
Sorry for driving so close in front of you.
If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be unstoppable.
Pardon me, but I have minds to twist and values to warp.
I’m not myself today. Maybe I’m you.
Poo poo occurs.
Do not follow me, for I may not lead. Do not lead me, for I may not follow. Go over there somewhere.
Comfort the disturbed. Disturb the comfortable.
I see no good reason to act my age.
I like my men how I like my coffee – ground up and in the freezer.
There is no spoon.
In the beginning there was nothing which exploded.
The wheel stops for no hamster.
The truth will set you free. But first it will piss you off.