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Things are moving along. I told my landlords that I’m leaving. Work has begun on what (for now) I’m calling The Bungalow. Harry the Handyman pulled out the sink and vanity and ripped up the carpet in the bathroom. And as an added yippee, it wasn’t the hot water heater leaking, it was the under-sink pipe. Much easier to fix.
I peeled off about 50 years worth of wallpaper today, and rid the backyard of a few years worth of branches. I bought about 300 pounds worth of tile – that is heavy stuff, man. And, in my quest to restore the bathroom, I bought what I’ve always wanted: a 1922 cast-iron clawfoot bathtub. It needs a little elbow grease but not too much. I’m so happy!!
While I was out getting the tub, a former resident of the house stopped by. He told Harry that he used to keep a pot-bellied pig in the house – so what I thought was a dog door was actually a pig door! Somehow, I really like that.,
Kelsea and Uber-Cool Will and I were in the house last night, sitting around on the floor talking. It felt wonderful. His suggestion for the Bungalow’s name is Innovo, because it means “to start again” in Latin. That’s a good one. And it’s the only idea right now. So again, a little help here, all my creative friends?
Tomorrow, we’ll start painting. And, if it’s still there, I’m going to go get the most awesome surprise for the garage. It’s interesting how my mind is starting to compartmentalize what I have to do for the little bungalow. We’re starting with the kitchen, bathroom, living room, my room and Kelsea’s room. The Shaman Room, little office, laundry room, greenhouse room and hot tub room will have to wait. As will the floors – although I will clean them before we move furniture in.
My heart is still broken, but the world warms up, it seems to heal a little bit each day (except on those backslide days). I’m tired, but happy right now. I have a date to go dancing tonight, and a nice gentleman with whom I’ve been Skypeing.
Yes, life goes on.
I spent a lot of time last weekend reading up on how to start my business, get clients, etc. I would get very motivated, very excited…and then very intimidated. It became positively overwhelming — making lists of potential clients and contacts, finding a web hosting service, considering brochures, letters, business cards, direct mail, sample, and on and on.
I retreated to the safety of the same book that inspired the angst – The Well Fed Writer – and it was somewhat comforting. There’s just so very much to do to create a business presence in the freelance world. But I’m doing it. I spent this morning working on a website – hosting through FatCow is fairly easy, but I don’t really like the template options that they’ve offered me. Still, it’ll do for now, until I can upgrade to something spiffier. At least it’s one bite out of the elephant.
So what’s on the agenda for this afternoon? I guess it’s the next bite – starting to look for possible jobs and making that client/call list.
My divorce will be entered in the annals of history tomorrow. And so begins a new life. Pat said today that he was over it (unless he got moody) which amazed me – that he could be over 25 years in such a relatively short time. But more power to him, I suppose. I wish him well.
It was a nice New Year’s. Quiet. Nice though.
I went to a psychic the other day. Not the sort of thing I usually do, but what the hell. She told me some good things about Mr. GF. She told me I was in a lot of turmoil, confusion, movement. She saw my divorce. She called Pat spot on. She gave me some words of caution about betrayal and lies. She told me she saw a great deal of journeys and travel in my future, uncertainty in my career, and that the uncertainty was unnecessary. She told me not to be so afraid. That I had very little to fear. That I was in my power. All this when all I told her was my name when I sat down. Nothing else. Pretty interesting.
I’ve been seeing several blogs lately from people who are in one stage or another of divorce, of starting over alone. It’s interesting to see how many of us are out there who have gone through this painful process and reached out into the ether for support and self-expression. Itneverrainsinseattle is right at the beginning of the process – he and his wife are in agreement with the need to part and it sounds like they are starting off on the right foot. But it takes me back to having “The Talk”, and her saying she wants a lawyer to look everything over makes me nervous. I think I’m (half of) one of only two couples I know who managed their divorce without a lawyer. When a lawyer gets his or her hands on a person in transition, they can really brainwash them as to what they “deserve”. And while I didn’t escape unscathed, I know I did better than if Pat had had a lawyer involved. Jumpingtracks is also in the early stages of leaving a long relationship, with much the same emotions that I had. (She has chosen to make her blog private since I wrote this.) I have to feel for both of them, as they are facing the incredible challenge of telling their children. That for me was worse than “The Talk”.
Looking back, I feel as if I’ve been numb for most of the last year. I’ve known all along what was happening, what I instigated, what it means. It’s irreversible. While I didn’t leave my husband for another man, another man did provide me with the strength to leave, which made everything more complicated. I wish I could have had the strength to do it cleanly, on my own, as it was what I knew, and had known for a long time, it was what I needed.
Now, I am coming out of the numb place. Tomorrow, I hand over a giant check to buy my freedom. In about 7 weeks, I am unemployed except for a part-time job. And it’s time to stop threshing out the divorce stuff, and start talking more about the challenges of pursuing my dreams, experiencing new love, and resolving the conflicts between being a good single mom and ”finding myself” (gak). Yes, there will be the occasional remorseful tale of my loneliness. But look forward to more about new relationships, new adventures, new beginnings. After all, it’s only the third of January, and already this year, I’ve tried a tanning booth and Everclear (though not together) and started the Atkins diet. Who knows what will happen next?