You are currently browsing the daily archive for July 17, 2011.
Since I fell to pieces at the end of last year, my depression has been up and down, sometimes weekly. I’ve made no secret about it on this blog. It’s unfortunate, but it is what it is. But since the spring, I’ve had a really good therapist. Therapy, if used properly, and with the right person, can be extraordinary. If not, it’s just paying someone to listen to your problems, and a bartender or a cab driver can serve that purpose at a much lower rate.
I’ve had several over the ins and outs of my therapeutic career. This one is different. This one is realllllly good. Or maybe I am realllllly ready. Or maybe a combination of both. She challenges me, and she incorporates (and agrees with) my committment to the “Unseen”. Between therapy and writing and introspection, I’ve been identifying – and resolving - some issues that have been lifelong millstones around my neck.
One of the things I’ve been to understand and work on – and it’s been a huge challenge for my entire life – is my lack of self-discipline. On the surface, this seems rather ironic, since I have been disciplined enough to work and support my family and myself since I left home, with little to no help. But in the last year and change, I am finding that my inner motivation is lacking. I become apathetic about exercise, about trying to be self-employed, about submitting my writing and photos for publication. I’ve been lazy about things like housecleaning forever, but that’s all part of the same issue.
I told myself that it was because I wanted a partner, someone who would work with me towards a common goal. That’s totally true and totally human, but I also have always thought of myself as a strong and independent person, which is why my lack of initiative is puzzling even for me.
Is it an issue of self-confidence? Is it really laziness? I know that part of it is that I was not raised with a lot of discipline. No chores, no childhood responsibilities, not a lot of structure. So it didn’t lay much of a foundation for planning, organizing, and even goal-setting. And I don’t like that. It’s holding me back.
And so, it’s time to do something about it. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life hoping my actions will carry me along the path I want – or just wanting the path along which I am carried. One of the ways I tend to fail in this kind of thing is by making grandiose master plans and trying to take giant steps, then failing on the second step and giving up altogether. So, it’s a matter of wisdom: wise planning and baby steps.
Perhaps I have talked about this before. Perhaps I am all talk, no action. All I can do is try. But as Yoda says, “Do or do not. There is no try.” So I guess all I can do is do. If you don’t help yourself towards your dreams, the Universe doesn’t help you either.