Still T-60…how slow the hours go. 1440 hours to be exact.
And I told you I would be spilling….
I was so hoping I was moving past the pain, at least this element of it.
How can I do this? How can he do this? Addiction is a harsh term, representing something bad. Love is not bad. And I love him with all my heart. Causing one another pain is not right. Depriving us of each other is wrong. I thought we were helping each other grow – maybe he was just helping me grow, and killing himself. He promised he would never leave me. And yet, here we are again. I know him well enough to know that he will indeed be away from me for 60 days. No text, no calls, no emails, no letters, no Skype, no contact. I will be lonely in my cold little cottage for the rest of the winter. And there is nothing I can do about it. Except cry and hope and wish and trust that he will see that he is indeed my partner, not my addiction – and vice versa. God, I am so sad. What is so wrong with wanting to love Russ? I know it is not the perfect scenario, clearly, with each of us married to others, but neither of us was happy in those marriages. We both admit we should have gotten out years ago. And now we are. So why is this a bad thing? It’s not like I haven’t been exploring issues in therapy myself. Perhaps he should too. But I expect he will never be secure enough in my love to overcome his fears of my past, all the things I have been working on. When I think of all the doors in my spirit that he has helped to open, the things that I have shared with him, trusted him with, I just feel so lost and alone, now that he has turned away.
I cannot do this thing. I cannot stand to grieve again.